Wednesday, February 04, 2015
Kaka: What are you doing with so many books?
Koko: I’m doing research.
Kaka: Research? Did you start a PhD without informing me?
Koko: Researches are not only about university degrees. You do research when you need knowledge, information about something.
Kaka: So what is this new thing that is making you behave like a serious professor? With all the issues flying all over the place, why will you want to grow grey hairs researching into something extra?
Koko: I want to find out what kind of people get obsessed with pimples when they have guinea worm crawling out of their sores?
Kaka: Sick people, very sick people who want to end up as amputees and with deformities.
Koko: That worries me and you should grab your laptop so we can research the cure for that kind of condition.
Kaka: We must first find out where those people live and then whether it is a physical or spiritual condition.
Koko: These people are your neighbours and it is not a spiritual attack. It is more like a mental disorder.
Kaka: My neighbours, Baba Mulika or Pastor Keu?
Koko: The two both of them. I saw them arguing like their lives depended on it over General Buhari’s certificate.
Kaka: Was that before the school released it or after?
Koko: After the school release it o. They were screaming like fish wives when everybody had gone to work.
Kaka: That’s the beauty of being retirees You have all the time in the world to pay attention to everything, including what the bread hawker wore the day before and what is going on between her and Mutiu, the vulcanizer.
Koko: But do pastors also retire?
Kaka: Pastor Keu is a retired apostle but that is a long story for another day. Come, do you think that certificate is genuine? They said there are some lines on it that were not well drawn.
Koko: Those who are saying it should bring their own rulers so we can redraw the lines.
Kaka: They said the certificate was a superimposition on something, or something like that.
Koko: That is exactly my point, what kind of people start looking for rulers to rearrange a 53-year-old certificate when their enemies are paying evil swimmers to burst under-water gas pipelines?
Kaka: Haba, my friend, why would anybody burst underwater gas pipeline when escaped gas cannot be gathered or bottled? What kind of mad people do that? Or they just want to punish or poison the fishes?
Koko: Dumb, they wanted to ensure that there is never enough gas to for power distribution. That way all your megawatts talk will remain in the realm of figures and graph, never translated to improved power supply and so on and so forth.
Kaka: Chaaaiii, there is God o. But where did you hear this?
Koko: Direct from the mouth of the Minister for Petroleum Resources herself, on live television.
Kaka: You can swear with your staff of office that she said it, not something you read on Facebook?
Koko: I swear with both the container and the content of the staff of office. She said the evil swimming and the demonic release of gas into water had been going on for months and indeed it escalated in the last six months.
Kaka: And she’s just telling us? What kind of strategy is that when the damage is already done?
Koko: Trust me, the PDP holds the patent on winking in the dark. Those people think once they are working hard, they don’t need to blow their trumpet.
Kaka: But they blow other trumpets o, like looking for the certificate of Buhari, finding it and still blowing the trumpet that it is a forged thing.
Koko: Why have they not been telling us things that are good about their product knowing that the APC is quoted on the New York Stock Exchange on PR and winking in front of cameras?
Kaka: It’s always better late than never. PDP has finally woken up. They are working very hard now, pulling hefty crowds at their rallies even in Kano. And they are asking the right questions.
Koko: What questions? Like the broken lines and photo on the certificate?
Kaka: Yeees. They are genuine and relevant. In Nigeria, everything is possible.
Koko: Hmmm, very soon, you will be asking the poor old man when he had his first kiss and why he kissed so early or too late.
Kaka: Relevant questions too. Why should we not be interested in Buhari’s love life? If he’s going to rule us, everything has to be transparent. Even that.
Koko: Are you kidding me right now? Are you in league with your jobless neighbours and their scratching a godammn itch instead of paying attention to the leprosy. Anyway, the principal of Buhari’s school has invited all doubting Thomases to go to the school and sight the original of the certificate.
Kaka: We won’t go anywhere.
Koko: And why is that?
Kaka: The opposition is just looking for a way to either kidnap us or stone us again.
Koko: Chaaaii, I’m surprised at you my friend. How can anybody think like that?
Kaka: Are you saying it is not possible, the kidnap angle?
Koko: I’m saying you are afraid of your own shadow. Since you don’t believe the photocopy, go and see the original. Stop hiding in the folds of your wife’s wrapper
Kaka: I know you are working for the opposition and you have been handsomely paid to come and harass me but I’m totally unmoved and unimpressed. We are going to postpone the elections anyway?
Koko: Who are ‘we’?
Kaka: We, the people who are concerned about those who have not collected their Permanent Voters Cards (PVC). They need more time, like three or six months to collect them. We want to do this right.
Koko: Right.
Kaka: And you know, there is still war going on. There will be violence if we do this thing in February.
Koko: So when will there be no violence?
Kaka: Thank you for that good question. If we wait till like end of 2016 or do it in 2017, yes, on Valentine Day. By then, the war will be over
Koko: And Prof Jega’s tenure also would also be over and you will be able to appoint….
Kaka: Shhhhhhh, don’t even go there. I am being patriotic here.
Koko: INEC says it is ready to conduct this election.
Kaka: The good professor has read too many books. He doesn’t know everything we know.
Koko: I put it to you that you and your people who want to postpone this election are thieves, ooole , barawo, onye ori…
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This article, written by Funke Egbemode, originally appeared January 25, 2015, on the back page of the Sunday Sun as well as on its online edition.
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