Text of President Francois Hollande's Short Statement to the Press in the Wake of the Paris Terror Attacks - FICTITIOUS

Monday, January 12, 2015

Messieurs et Mesdames,

Ladies and gentlemen from RFI, TV5, Canal+, and other distinguished personnel of the Press,

We are witnesses to the cowardly and dastardly act of a few individuals who bombed Paris and even tried to assassinate me, on the orders and with the full support of a criminal who is in jail in Russia, and with the connivance of a certain former president of the Republic who lost a reelection bid and has since failed to join hands with our government to bring about the Transformation of France into a world superpower. Our intelligence agencies are in possession of evidence that this terrorist attack was in fact an attempt to assassinate me, the President of the Republic.

But these enemies of France will not succeed.

My government will leave no stone unturned to bring the perpetrators of this act to book. To this end, I have set up a 5-man committee to investigate the remote and immediate causes, drivers, and sponsors of this incident, and to deliver their report to the Office of the Prime Minister within the next two weeks.

We will continue to do all in our power to deliver the dividends of our nascent democracy to all Frenchmen and women.

My dear wife, in her capacity as the occupier of the Office of the First Lady, is deeply touched by the suffering that the actions of these terrorists have brought on a section of our population. She has asked me to assure her fellow widows as well as the rest of you that whatever happens, there is God.

Terrorism is a global problem. We ask the rest of the world to join hands with us in our efforts to rid our nation of these miscreants.

Merci beaucoup. Vive la France.

NB: President Hollande has no wife oooo. The characters in the narrative above are entirely fictional. Any resemblance to any people living or dead is purely coincidental.