Monday, November 30, 2015


The next time some random woman screams "rape", let the crucifying crowd give pause before they pelt the alleged rapist with stones and epithets. 

That a woman says she was raped by a man doesn't mean she was indeed raped by that man (Nor is the man's denial proof that she wasn't,  yea).

The man who is accused of rape is entitled to fair hearing. Before he is denounced as a pig, a boar, let his denouncers take heed lest his accuser be herself a proven sow.

Owning a penis is an anatomical asset, not a biological liability. I believe the same can be said about owning ovaries. Therefore, believing a man is a rapist just because a girl says so is analogous to believing a girl is an adulterer just because her husband says so.

There Is No Such Thing As Something No Girl (or guy) Can Lie About. We may all want to remember that when deciding in favor of the one who says she was raped or in favor of the one who denies that any of their encounters together even remotely approached rape.

Saturday, November 28, 2015


Dear Mr President,

I write to you in your capacity as the President of Nigeria, as well as in your capacity as the Nigerian oil minister. In case you missed it, we have no petrol. We nor geh fuel.

I am hoping that you know - perhaps, that you remember - that petrol is our life in Nigeria. Petrol is how we move our cars, just like many others around the world. Petrol is also how we light our homes, unlike many others around the world. Petrol is how we get our haircuts and hairdos; how we heat our bathwater and chill our drinking water; how we recharge the batteries of our phones so we can get on Facebook and chant Sai Buhari; how we power our computers so that we can do this BVN thing and that TSA thang...

Petrol and diesel are how we get things done. Probably the only thing we don't do with petrol ...yet... is move cattle from the plains of Kebbi to the forests of Delta, with all the farmfights between and betwixt. But even the fish we get from Argungu need petrol - and diesel - to stay preserved; they require kerosene - or diesel - to become the protein-rich meals that we cherish.  

Granted that these days, we need less petrol to do some of the things I have just mentioned because PHCN somehow decided that holding power in trust for us is not the same thing as holding power from us, and so, perhaps reading your famed body language, they have elected to give power to the people (pun intended o, very, very much intended). Yea, granted that that may be the case, we still do need petrol - and diesel....and kerosene - to get by. We need it so that when the Oga-at-the-phcn-top decides to remind us who is in charge, we can still watch our Chelsea match as they continue their one-win-per-month promo.

So please sir, give us petrol. Do whatever you need to do to give us petrol. 

Even if you are Baba Go Slow, you may agree with me that there can be no going - slow or fast - if there is no petrol, if there is no fuel. There can be no going - fast or slow - if the petrol stations are empty of petrol and the streets are replete with NGN5,000-eligible young men brandishing plastic tubes with which they advertise their own mobile petrol stations to anyone who cares.

We nor geh fuel Baba. Give us fuel. Not excuses.


Yours sincerely, (yesso, because this was very sincerely written, from me to you)

Hugo Naijaman

Wednesday, November 4, 2015



I am just wondering...whatever the hell happened to Nnamdi Kanu? He must have been freed on bail from the clutches of the Nigerian government by his teeming horde of Biafran supporters who have promised to die for him and for Biafra. No? He hasn’t? He hasn't been freed by his foot-soldiers? He is still under arrest? In the Zoo? He, the human, kept captive by the Animals? But how is that even possible? And how do his supporters sleep at night, knowing that he, their fellow Biafran Human (the Director, no less) continues to be held by his Animal captors in the Zoo? Where is their conscience? Is it buried under rubbish heaps at Ochanja market? Isn’t is easier to lay down your cash to secure freedom for your leader than to lay down your life to secure freedom for your dreamland?

I am also wondering...why can’t those who supply smokers with weed give them quality weed for their money, ehn? Isn’t it heart-breaking to pay heavily for a product and then get supplied something that is so manifestly substandard that it begins to produce untoward effects in the smoker? Effects like increasing the number of years medical students have to spend in Nigerian universities from six years to seven years. I would like to tell whoever is in charge that it isn’t because our medical students spend ONLY six years in university that they cannot get housemanship positions after their induction as doctors. It isn’t because our medical students spend ONLY six years in school that the current system of rote learning is not working. It is the rote learning that is the problem, not the number of years spent in the university. But I don’t expect anyone in charge to understand that, unless their weed suppliers stop supplying them Osogbo-made weed that they did not pay for, and instead start supplying them with the premium Aba-made weed that they did pay for.